around the bend

June 20, 2007



                                       

Starting Over without my father began a year ago yesterday. Liza’s Starting Over without her mom will be two months tomorrow. Just before we left Tennessee, Liza captured this image. It is impossible to know what is just around the bend.

There were times during my grief that I no longer cared what was around the bend for me. In fact, it frightened me because I knew it could be more loss and pain.

As I try now with some perspective to make some sense of it all, I have begun to understand that it is only the fearless moving ahead, the bold task of acceptance that will heal us.

People say, “Time heals”. It is true. Not because you forget the person, learn to do without them, or will ever forget the gut wrenching pain of their leaving. It is because, with time, I have accepted the fact they are gone. And there is nothing to be done about it. Nothing I can do.

So I put one foot in front of the other, understanding that only the Universe can control what is just around the bend. I can only decide to expect happiness again, to prepare for joy instead of fearing the out-of-my-control.

So today I will prepare for joy. And soon, with a passion for living and with childlike anticipation, I will again be able to embrace whatever is meant for me just around the bend.


E.C. Rest in Peace

April 25, 2007


EC’s family and friends gave her a terrific send-off. Almost 30 strong, this big Irish Catholic family came together to celebrate EC’s life and to mourn her passing.

There are mental impressions that I will take with me always: the old stone St. Anne’s church; the smell of the incense as Father Tim, in his long white flowing robes, rocked the bronze incense holder to and fro above EC’s wooden casket; looking at all the sad faces of the loved ones seated below as I stood behind Father Tim’s podium to deliver the reading; the sound of the church bells ringing as Father Tim sang and the family marched behind the casket; respectful autos stopped and waiting along the roadway to the cemetary; and the helpless pain of seeing her casket lowered into the earth.

EC’s family gathered at our place after the funeral where love food had been delivered by my mom, my aunt and other friends of the family. And just as EC would have wanted, there was music and drinking and story telling. Photos were passed around while hugs were given and received randomly.

After thinking about this process of letting go and starting over yet one more time, I ask for each family member to examine their hearts and give me a few words to describe their feelings about this family time together. With a wide range of ages (11-73) and personalities present, here is their list of words:

bittersweet
reflective
sad
exciting
birthdays
insightful
mourning
celebration
comfort
laughter
a new beginning
strength
tears
joy
affection
emotional
sadness
thankfulness
scrabble
Oz not word
late nights
thank you
Grandma Ziz
Bear
satisfying
peaceful
rememberance
live life daily
appreciation
yesterdays
gift
heart
love
troublesome
happy
depressed
life
family
continuation
regrets
memorable
partly sad
here, there and everywhere
loving
stressful
mom
Johnny Carson
Camels
Elizabeth
food
smile
Neil is cool
overflowing recycleables
hard to leave
not long enough
Schaffer
grateful
togetherness
good-bye

and here are mine:
rest in peace dear EC

The family has asked me to give special thanks to Aunt Helen and girls for making a long trip to be with us, and to middle daughter’s boyfriend, Jerry, for the nerves calming family boat ride and cook-out. Thanks to the love food providers, the flower senders, the phone callers and e-mail senders, the Hospice workers, the family photographers, the airport transportation givers and the clean-up helpers. It is your support that sustains them now.

What I know is that we are all starting over. Starting over again. Starting over without EC.

Warm wishes. anitamorrell.wordpress.com


First Exposure

February 11, 2007

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Hi everyone! Welcome to my first exposure to blogging. 

 If we define ourselves in terms of how we spend our time, I have been: a college student, a department store buyer, a music store owner, a real estate investor, rehabber and Realtor, and now a want-to-be artist and writer. 

If we describe ouselves in terms of where we have lived, for me that would be the amazing blue hills of East Tennessee or the tropical sanctuary of Key West. I lost count with over a dozen residence changes since college days.

No matter how we define ourselves, whether by address or occupation, it is certain that life is not static and change happens.  Whether we change jobs, move to a new home, suffer some great loss like the death of a family member or friend, retire, start anything new or give up a bad habit, we have all had the feeling of starting from the beginning.  

For me just now, a new life cycle began with the death of my father.  We were close and the past seven months since his passing have been some of the most difficult days of my life.  I can’t help thinking in terms of B.D.D. or A.D.D., which is before Dad’s death or after Dad’s death.  I was a different person B.D.D.  A person that had never experienced the gut wrenching pain of loss. I know for me it represents one of those starting over moments.  Starting over without Dad. 

B.D.D. I could call on my father’s wisdom anytime I wanted, A.D.D. I can only guess how he would advise me.  B.D.D. I thought he would be around forever, A.D.D. I know none of us will be.  It’s a hard pill to swallow.

And now as a card carrying blogger, I wonder about the starting over experiences of others.  Let me know about your starting over experiences. Hope to update often. Thanks for visiting and warm wishes to all.

PS. E-mail me at anitamorrell at aol dot com
Also stop by our Art Blog at dailyart.wordpress.com
Please comment by clicking on highlighted “comment” at end of each blog. Thanks for visiting with me.